Never let the truth get in the way of a good story

...it's time to do an open post, for no other reason that it will attract spambots here instead of to a post about the passing of my grandmother at which they always seem to say things like "FANTASTIC! :D" Grrrr.

( My grandma died this morning. )

Yes, it's all about Shimmer with me. It consumes me morning, noon and night. It's my baby and now I'm sure it is my life's work. And now it's really back!

Issue #01 right here!

That is all.

SHIMMER IS BACK!

Or at least it will be when I start posting some material, which will be the end of next week. For anyone interested in reading a teenage superhero power fantasy featuring a trans female protagonist as well as anything else I might be writing, please set your bookmarks here.

I really don't want to get out of bed this morning. It's cool outside and I'm laying between clean linens under two thick, warm blankets, snuggled between a mountain of accumulated pillows with the laptop sitting on my knees. (How indulgent.) But alas, I must, for there is unpacking to be done and I need to make sure the front rooms are done before the owner stops by tomorrow. *sigh*

It's good to have these kinds of problems. It certainly is a lot better to have unpacking, cleaning and paperwork to worry about instead of wondering where we're going to be sleeping the next few nights. Best of all is that the place is practically ours, just me and Al, though we have someone else (our ex-housemate Lucian) moving in soon. It'll just be the three of us and maybe my cousin Aaron at some point, but even then four people is a lot easier to handle than six.

This used to be my mother's house. She lived here for around seven years before she moved out on Sunday to be with her partner, Helen, in Darwin. In a remarkable act of generosity (and also convenience on her part as well) she let us take the lease to this place and let us keep the bed, the furniture, the appliances: all the things that Al and I had but got rid of thinking we were going to America. Thanks to her we have our own space and things to put in it, not to mention a great view of a lush, tree-filled valley off of the rear patio. Even with all of it's troubles and inconveniences this is a step forward, leaving us much better off than we ever would have been living in Wibbly house.

Sometime during the next couple of weeks we'll also be getting a couple of new computers. (Well, one new computer and one assembled-from-spare-parts-and-thrown-together-by-a-friend-who-is-selling-it-cheap computer.) With this will probably mark the return of Shimmer as I will have my own virtual space I can work within uninterrupted, and then we can get down to business! Honestly I am more excited about this than I could ever hope to let on.

So hooray to progress! And the hope that there is more to come...

(You get bonus points if you read that in the voice of Professor Farnsworth without prompting.)

I wrote a post a couple of days ago talking about how long and exhausting the last month has been, and how that even though there was an end in sight it was just too much to handle. Well, good news indeed! Because it's finally OVER!

After our week and a half stay in Rockhampton with my cousin Aaron both Al and I are back in Brisbane and in the house we thought we'd have to wait until Saturday to be in. We're here, we're sorting out the paperwork that will see the place signed over to us, and are sleeping under a roof we will not have to vacate from for some time.

Let me just tell you now, after weeks of tension, heartbreak, disappointment and uncertainty it's good to feel at home again! We've only been here a night and already the terrible spirit that's been plaguing us has buggered off to whatever dark ethereal corner it came from and has left us positive about things to come.

Next week Al and I are going back to therapy. He's got some stuff he wants to sort out and I've got a handful of issues that have exploded at me in recent times, and though I doubt I'm going to inflict mild harm upon myself in these good times I want to make sure it doesn't happen again should our fortune once more inevitably take a turn.

Though there are some good things to come out of this. When I first had the falling out with my housemate it suddenly became extremely uncomfortable to be there knowing that she was a few rooms away. Suddenly my home, my safe space had been compromised, so much so that my social anxiety took a back seat to my instinct to just get away. Everyday I would be out, somewhere, anywhere, for hours on end, and after a couple of weeks it started getting really easy.

I'm not over this by a long shot, but at least I'm no longer completely debilitated by my fears, and I won't be again if I keep vigilant. That's going to be the hard part, but now that Al and I practically have our own place (with only one other flatmate, Lucian, who is wonderful and moving in on Sunday) we're in a much better position to worry about ourselves and get on with our lives as best we can.

By the looks of things I may even be able to recover some of my New Year's resolutions, and even though it wasn't the goal we had our eyes set on I'm still going to look back this coming December and be happy with our progress.

It's been a busy few weeks around here, and though it sometimes seems to drag out for eternity there's a lot to report.

Two of my flatmates have already moved out. The other couple are leaving over the weekend. That leaves Al and I on our own for a little while, living out of suitcases with no internet and eating whatever instant meals that don't require storage. As soon as we have our visa stuff finalized we'll be gone too and will be counting down the days until we get on the plane for Newark.

It's been weird to think that people are going to miss me so much. For some it's the first time I've ever seen them cry and it's brought out a lot of things that in the past have been left unspoken. Not bad things: you know, the good stuff that gets glossed over because you're afraid of coming off as overly sappy, with a lot of "I love yous" and "I'll miss yous." Some friendships have been strengthened through this, but a lot of people I will probably not get to see again for years if ever again. That's a huge thought to grasp and it makes my heart ache.

Still, I find myself excited to be taking this step forward. America was always on the cards for Al and I, and now we're actually doing it. I won't lie, I am scared, but on the other side there's good things for us. Best of all we're moving into a quiet place with a big dog, and believe it or not I'm excited at the prospect of meeting my in-laws. They've all been amazing and supportive to us both, and we're incredibly moved.

I went to see my grandma in the nursing home. It's the first time since I've seen her since my transition. She doesn't know, and she'd never understand anyway, so I boyed up for one last goodbye. For the most part she seemed lucid even though two strokes and some mild brain damage have left her unable to hold onto conversations for more than a sentence.

The funny thing about it is that it seems to have lowered her inhibitions a little. Whatever word filter she had has deteriorated, so she came out with some funny things I usually wouldn't expect from her.

Grandma: (to my cousin Sandra) "Don't have any more kids. I've got too many (grandkids and great grandkids) to count."
Me: "Don't worry, Grandma. I won't have any."
Grandma: "... Don't you know how?"

For a woman so conservative that kind of joke is one in a million. Even though I haven't seen her in over two years I'm still going to miss her even more. At least we got to have a proper farewell. She seemed happy to hear that I was engaged even if I didn't let on that it was to a man and that I am his bride to be (le gasp), and ultimately she's happy for me. That in itself is a huge relief.

The other person I was really worried about was my mum. Though she's been more consistently stable for the last several years than she probably ever has been before she's been growing wary of her life as it is and needs a change. It got her down for a bit, and with my leaving was worried that so too would go her reason to do a lot of things, but she's found something, or rather someone, and I think she's going to be in good hands.

She told me the other day that she's engaged to a woman from Darwin: a short-haired, butch dyke with a real down to earth sensibility. I've not yet met her, but I hope to soon. From what I've gathered though they make a hell of a team, and I wish them all the happiness in the world. Honestly, it couldn't have happened at a better time.

What's sad though is that my brother won't be accepting of it. So long as she's in a lesbian relationship he probably won't want to talk to her. Whatever. He'll be out on the road doing whatever it is he does, finding his own way.

As for my father... well, who gives a shit, yeah? I didn't send him that letter. He doesn't deserve a final chance, even if I'm stupid enough to give him one. I guess I'm just a bit sad for him because his health is going and that the people he considered family, the people who he emotionally abused and shut off yet proceeded to declare his love for, are going to be far, far away from him, leaving him all alone. He doesn't lead a good life, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

In lighter news I've got my passport sorted. It arrived yesterday, and I'm happy with it save that little typo in the sex column. The very second I had the chance this morning I ran off to start processing my visa, applied, paid my fees, and have booked an interview for the 17th, meaning that after the next Wednesday I'm going to be in Sydney convincing an official from the US State Department that I'm really not a terrorist/guerrilla/militant/vigilante with tuberculosis and that the states of New Jersey, Pennsylvania and West Virginia will be unmarred by my passage.

HOORAY FOR BUREAUCRACY!

Honestly, I really can't wait. There's a new life waiting for me over on those shores: one where I'm not defined by being the house mum to a group of unappreciative adults. I can figure out who this Miranda Sparks person is and what she wants to do with her life, and maybe make a name for myself. At least that's the plan.

I've been very creative lately and have been drawing a lot, and, on top of all of that have acquired a few basic photoshop skills. More than anything I find myself wanting to make comics and to post them all for everyone to see, but don't take my word for it now. Just be sure to say awesome things when they actually get made.

That's all from me. Take care all,

Today I wrote 4,328 words of Shimmer. That's nearly all of issue #3. (Make that three weeks ahead after last night's post.)

I didn't do any artwork today, but tomorrow I certainly will be for Al's and my Wibblemas project. I can't wait. ^_^

Tomorrow we also start our diet. Goodbye sugar, goodbye caffeine, goodbye unhealthy snackage, goodbye obscene portions. Hello good stuff!

And that's why I'm proud of myself today.

...and already I'm keeping three of my resolutions.

There's the first in which I'm recording my accomplishments, but since I don't own a hard diary yet I'm going to record it here. So that's one down. :P

But that's relatively unimportant. What is important is that I'm meeting up with my creative aspirations. Both yesterday and today I wrote 3,000 words when on most days lately I've been struggling to write one. For an illiterati like myself that's something of an accomplishment. It also means that the first two chapters of Shimmer v 3.0 total around 10k words, meaning that my target of 80k words in 25 issues for a complete volume is going to be an easy mark to reach.

If that wasn't good enough, I'm also two weeks ahead in my schedule. This will probably dwindle down, but I'm going to try and keep it up for as long as I can. For once I have direction, am proud of my work and want to make this happen.

So that's resolution #7 being addressed. Even more impressive is my addressing #10: starting to draw again.

It's been years since I've put pencil to paper in an artistic way. I've been trying again of late with no luck, mostly because I've been wanting Glimmer Girl promo material when the new subdomain goes up, but also because I miss having it as an outlet. The only reason I stopped in the first place was because I felt so dwarfed by those out there who were better than me, but now that hardly seems to matter.

Today I drew Glimmer Girl. It was rough, her breasts were off balance, her thighs were out of whack and one arm was bigger than the other, but I got the head right. It was perfect! Exactly the sort of thing I was aiming for, and to finally see her on paper, this character whose visage has been living in my head for years and years only to become clear to me now has left me inspired.

I'm going to draw again tomorrow. I'm going to get better at this. Soon I may even put together my own comic. Who cares if it's instafail? I just want to make it for it's own sake!

Heh. Is this what it feels like to have a voice? It feels good.

...don't ever change.




Though I really don't know what to think about it, so I will laugh until such time as I know better.